ForumsArt, Music, and WritingWolfTeam: The book.

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XSilentPhantomX
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XSilentPhantomX
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Nomad

this was inspired by one of meh favorite first person shoooter games, wolfteam. if anybody plays wolfteam, tell meh and i'll add you. i already have a plot in mind for this book, and it'll be written in Present Tense. More to come soon! Cheers, HooRah!

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XSilentPhantomX
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XSilentPhantomX
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Nomad

2 supporters and counting ^^

OperationNilo
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OperationNilo
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Shepherd

Whenwillthe nextchapter comeout?

Can you give us a date?

XSilentPhantomX
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XSilentPhantomX
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Nomad

it'll come out... NOW! XD gotta start typing.
2 'sporters n counting!

New York, New York suburbs, 1998. February, 21st, 11:43 P.M.

Michael wakes up. everything seems foggy to him. something clogs his throat. he looks around and he jumps to his senses. the air in the room is thick and grey with smoke. It's everywhere.
there's light coming from the hall and he hears crackling. he creeps out of bed towards the door. he opens it and raises his hand against intense heat. he slams the door. Michael yells for his parents and he gets no answer. all he hears is the crackle of flames and breaking wood.
the smoke becomes thicker and he crouches down like he was taught at school. "keep breathing." he reminds himself, "keep breathing." the air is hot now and he begins to feel suffocated by the smoke. his lungs burn with every ragged gasp. he can see the door beginning to burn. the door falls off of it's hinges and something comes inward.
a firefighter in a thick yellow and black suit steps in. he yells out words, most of which is lost to the flames. "Found.. Kid... out...window...!" he yells into a walkie in his helmet. he steps towards michael. "it's ok!" he yells above the roar of the flames. "we're going to get you out!"
the firefighter reaches out to pick him up when there's a sudden crack. Looking up, the firefighter is just in time to see a heavy timber from the ceiling fall onto his head. he slumps downwards without a sound.
"no!" screams michael. he rushes to the mans side. his jacket is too hot to touch and Michael avoids the burning timber. Michael starts crying as the fires creep closer. "no no no" he screams slamming his fists onto the floor. "wake up!! WAKE UP!!!" he screeches out as the tears flow freely. the fire comes closer. michael tries to move the man from the fire, but he is too heavy.
Michael struggles uselessly and scoots away as the heat becomes unbearable. He remembers the firefighters words. "window." he walks over to the window, his hands numb and scalded and his body trembling. he yanks open the window and looks outwards. he sees the front lawn is covered in hoses and people running around trying to put out the flaming house he's in. he screams in terror as the fire comes closer. somebody points upwards he screams again as he starts feeling faint. the firefighters can see the flames all around him.
the firefighters know he probably won't make it in time judging from the flames around him. they start to move the truck and ladder over but it moves so slow. They begin to move the ladder up to his level but he starts wavering and slouching. "jump!" the man in the box screams. Michael hardly comprehending leans out of the window and falls downwards. past two stories as he hits the bottom he hears bones crack, voices, flames hissing and spitting, then all goes black.


National Guard Fort, Pennsylvania, 2014, August, 17th, 4:03 A.M.

Michael wakes up. he is in a cold sweat. His foehead and clothes are drenched in it. he checks his watch nearby. the time is 4:03 A.M. he realizes it isn't time to wake up.. "just a nightmare.." he thinks. he knows the nightmare was all too real, it took place 16 years ago in his house. he falls back asleep.

New York, New York suburbs, 1998. February, 22st, 12:01 P.M

Michael cries and sniffs into a tissue. the lady explains to him . "your mommy and daddy are gone now, we're going to take care of you." "but i.. i... want my mommy.." he cries softly. "we'll be with you now, you're going to have nice parents.." she falters. he sobs again.

New York, New York suburbs, 1998. February, 22st, 3:33 P.M

Michael solemnly views the ashes. his house once stood here only days ago. now all that is left is a burned out, blackened husk. he steps by the ruins. "be careful now!" the foster parent provider tells him as she chats about the incident with a jogger. michael goes to where his parents room was. he sees only blackness. he wants to cry, but it seems no tears are left for him. he sees movement in the ashes, "what is that?" he wonders. he steps forwards as he sees his mother rise to meet. him. she is horribly marred and torn from the fire. "my son.." she says in a ghstly whisper. "mother?" he says tentatively. She screeches and jumps at him, scratching, clawing, tearing at him. the world spins, he sinks to his knees... this can't be right.. this can't be real.. this can't be.. it's got to be a...

Nightmare. Michael awakens. his alarm clock is going off. He shudders. and begins to move out of bed. "what could have caused those memories and horrifying dreams to stir up?" he wonders. he prepares for a new day, with new training.


I tried to give a bit of insight into Michaels parent's death and his background. just to show you what he's been through and how he's been plagued by his past. hope this is good! cheers! please tell me what you think it's important to me, even if you just skim!

1337Player
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1337Player
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Peasant

When the mother attacked him did it really happen?

This is good. Just a little spelling and grammar issues but no one is perfect.

XSilentPhantomX
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Nomad

ummm no it was a dream, a nightmare. he was remembering his past in the dream, but his mind twisted it into a nightmare. sorry bout grammar and the like.
2 'sporters and counting!
please post if you read!
especially critizisation!
thanks all!

XSilentPhantomX
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XSilentPhantomX
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Nomad

National Guard Fort, Pennsylvania, 2014, August, 17th, 7:12 A.M.

Michael steps out of his bed and stretches. he looks at a clock and he sees he's up a little bit early, but he prefers that so he can have time to think. He walks acrost the barracks making sure to avoid his fellow recruits. he walks into the cramped bathroom then turns the water on and starts to go about his morning.

He finishes up in the bathroom and starts back over to his bunk. on his way there he feels something. "argh!!!" he yells as he is suddenly dragged downwards. he feels hand on him poking and pinching him. he flips over to face it and raises his hands in defense. he sees his friend "Chip" "get offa me CHIP!" michael roars. chip laughs happily a michael kicks him and gets up. Chip has tears in his eyes and he laughs loudly. "dude!.. you shoulda seen.. ha ha.. the look on your face.. haha.. when i reached out.." Michael feels relieved and embarrasses. as he kicks chip lightly again. Michael starts to here groans.
"oh my god, not you two again, go outside!" somebody yells. "you should be glad sarge gives us a piece of a day off and whaddya do with it?" A flurry of flying pillows and other objects surrounds Michael and Chip as they race out of the door.
once outside, they look at eachother, look to the training field, look back at eachother, and then they both start laughing. "so, when do we go inside and get our gear on?" asks Chip. "oh they'll calm down after awhile..."
Michael leaves off as he sees something in the sky. a helicopter is flying their way. Squinting against the rising sun, they peer at it. it seems to be military, and it's a sleek black. The helicopter flys over the barracks and flys towards the heli-zone at the other side of the fort. Chip and Michael race around the corner of the barracks and watch as it lands.
After the blades stop rotating, a man dressed in fine business attire steps out. three soldiers, one of them the pilot, file out after him. "wonder what that's all about" Michael says. Chip replies the same. "dunno," he says. &quotrobably just another big boss coming out for a ceremony or inspection."
They watch as everybody is filed inside. Eventually, they hear talk coming from inside and they go back into the barracks. they prepare for their day with much heckling from the other recruits.

National Guard Fort, Pennsylvania, 2014, August, 17th, 12:01 P.M.

" ninty-nine... one hundred!" michael cries out as he drops his arms out of push-up stance, and all the other recruits do the same. this is their second set this morning. "now let me see a couple of real men, do 50 more!" the seargent sitting nearby yells. Everybody groans. "do i hear any Complaining?" he says. "i want 65 then!" "sir yes sir.." comes the weak reply. "75" cries the seargent. "SIR YES SIR!" the entire group bellows as they set to work.
Michael tilts his head up getting the sweat out of his eyes. he sees a figure approaching. squinting through the August heat he sees the finally attired man from the morning approaching. he walks up and talks to the Seargent. Then, he steps back. A few seconds later the seargent calls out, "Michael Rench!" "yessir?" michael yells, his muscles on fire. "come here boy!" the seargent yells back. Michael stands up and makes his way over to the seargent and the man. on his way there Chip grunts. "lucky." under his breath. Michael debates whether to say something back or not, but goes against it.
Michael finally gets to the man and his seargent. "yes?" he asks. "this man here has a word for you.." the seargent is cut off by the man's cold stare. "yes, your orders are to come with me now, gather your belongings, and meet me at the helipad in an hour." the man says in a rich smooth voice. "yessir" says michael as he saultes then begins to trot over to the barracks acrost the field.
Michael reaches the gray barracks and begans to search for his clothes and a bag. he hears the lunchbell alarm go off outside.
Everyday, some of the men choose not to eat and they come to the barracks instead to enjoy the air conditioning. Michael looks at these guys entering the room, and one of them is Chip. "hey man where are ya going?" says chip as he rushes over to Michael. Michael pauses and tells him, "not really sure actually... but i'm leaving that much is obvious." Michael checks his watch and reads it's 12:45. he knows it's time to go now. "well Chip, im gonna miss you.. stay in touch after this all ok?" michael says to Chip. Chip replies, "sure will do good.. wherever you're going.." Michael picks up his bag, and walks out of the door to the helipad.


hmmmmm like i said not much action trying to keep it slowish. hope this is good. IF YOU READ THIS YOU MUST COMMENT OR I WILL FIND YOU AND.... ANd... And.. and... IDK WHAT I'LL DO BUT IMA DO SUMMIN! :P please comment especially critisiztion.(unless it's on grammar and spelling.)
2 'sporters and counting!

cheers, XSilentPhantomX

XSilentPhantomX
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XSilentPhantomX
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Nomad

ok guys seriously... can somebody at least give me a comment to show at least SOMEONE is reading..? pfffft this is sad makes meh feel like i suck... but wait... what if i do and that's why nobody tells me cuz they don't have the heart to do it.. waa! please somment if you read.
2 'sporters and counting.

hoo... rah...
XSilentPhantomX

jezz
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jezz
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Farmer

I don't know why you don't have more supporters, I think this story is interesting and very well written. Obviously it's not spectacular, but it's at a good standard. The only major problem I have with it is that writing it in present tense seems to ruin the flow. It's never easy, writing in present tense, and I personally think your story would sound best in first person because then you could still write the story as it is happening. But that's just my opinion of course so I don't expect you change it just for me.

I just want to make a few points,

- ''February, 21st'' is when Michael falls out the burning building and breaks a number of bones, yet on ''February, 22st'' he's allowed to check out his burnt house instead of going to hospital?

- Too many sentences start with 'He'. Try and vary the way you start sentences, or swap the sentence structure around a bit. Also, connect sentences where you can! Too many sentences of the same length ruin the flow.

- Use caps for names, places and the beginning of sentences!
This is more of a reminder because you use caps inconsistently.

-Last point. Your use of paragraphs is good but it would be better if you started a new line after the dialogue. So for example,

"he sees his friend, "Chip" "get offa me CHIP!" michael roars.
chip laughs happily a michael kicks him and gets up. Chip has tears in his eyes and he laughs loudly. "dude!.. you shoulda seen.. ha ha.. the look on your face.. haha.. when i reached out.."
Michael feels relieved and embarrasses. as he kicks chip lightly again. Michael starts to here groans.
"oh my god, not you two again, go outside!" somebody yells. "you should be glad sarge gives us a piece of a day off and whaddya do with it?"
A flurry of flying pillows and other objects surrounds Michael and Chip as they race out of the door."



It makes it easier to pick out who's saying what.
I hope that was enough CC for you

XSilentPhantomX
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XSilentPhantomX
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Nomad

thank you,
3 'sporters and counting. ^^
i am very unconsistent on caps and paragraphical form, sorry .
ty for dialog tips..
i was actually thinking about that same issue awhile back after i posted.. should of made it longer...
with the whole first-writer thing, for some reason i have to think alot harder and it takes more work for me to do that... and also i thought it should be written in present tense because my other book, (which i have bad writers block on, which is sad cause it just started.) is in past tense and people told me i shoul write in present... dang this is a long review. XD thanks for reading and commenting. 3 'sporters and counting

MoonFairy
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Shepherd

It is good, makes me wanna read some more, but you should really use more detail overall. I have no clue what Michael looks like, or Chip, or this weird WolfTeam guy, or anybody. I don't know what the setting looks like either. and grammar really does help once in a while
4 supporters now

jezz
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jezz
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Farmer

and grammar really does help once in a while

He has been using grammar.. He's already acknowledged the fact that his grammar and spelling is a little off in places.

Phantom, basically I think you just need to tighten up the spelling, grammar (use of caps especially), sentence length and dialogue separation by proof reading it before you post. Like MoonFairy said, you could add more description of the characters and setting as well, but you don't need to write paragraphs and paragraphs on it. For example, you could just add bits like ''Michael flips his (sweaty) (blonde) hair out of his face...''
You only need to touch on the description of characters and scene briefly to give the story life. A present tense story is usually an action-packed story and so going into great detail for too long would ruin the pace.
XSilentPhantomX
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XSilentPhantomX
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Nomad

4 'sporters and counting, i feel so proud now... and oddly sekzy... XD lolz just messin whitcha
anyways,
yeah i'll try to proofread next time and sorry abut lack of description, on my other book thingy, (still having block!!!) they told me i had to many adjectives, adverbs and the like, and was way too descriptive... i kinda guess i took that a bit to far too heart XD. more to come tomorrow maybe.

MoonFairy
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Shepherd

my bad. Good Grammar would help. XD but I don't indent on my stories lol, so i won't critique you there ;P if you put it on word, and do a spell check it would fix it right up, then you can work on the format of it

XSilentPhantomX
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XSilentPhantomX
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Nomad

National Guard Fort, Pennsylvania, 2014, August 17th, 12:55 P.M.

Michael jogs slowly towards the helipad. He can see the soldiers and the finely dressed man standing there. He steps out of his jog, and slowly walks to meet the man. âGood, good, punctual I see.â The man says. âYes sir, I try my best to be Mr.â¦â Michael slowly trails off as he realizes he doesnât even know this manâs name that heâs reporting to. âHartman.â The finely dressed man tells Michael with a near mysterious smile. Mr. Hartman signals the pilot inside of the helicopter as he turns from Michael towards the doors and yells over his shoulder âgrab your things and lets get in!â âWe canât be late now!â Michael follows the orders, grabs his bag, and steps into the helicopter. The helicopter lifts up and begins to take off.

National Guard Fort, Pennsylvania, 2014, August 17th, 1:47 P.M.

Nearly an hour later, the helicopter is about to land. Michael sits up and pushes himself out of a daze as he sits up and looks around. He peers out of the windows and all he can see is mountain. âUmm Mr. Winters,â Michael says looking to his left to view him, âwhere exactly are we going to land?â âMr. winters lip curls into a smile. âInquisitive too.â He says. âWeâll have to work that outâ¦â Michael turns to the windows again. He watches as the helicopter descends towards an inconspicuous cleared piece of land between two hills. As Michael watches in amazement, the ground begins to open up horizontally to reveal a large gaping hole. The helicopter slowly goes down the hole and Michael looks in awe at what looks like a giant lab and training facility underground.
Steel pipes and iron supports triple the thickness of a man run all throughout the cavern. Sets of lights go off into the distance illuminating the ends of the caverns, where Michael can see small figures of men going through drills. Military trucks drive back and forth from building to building doing their business. Michael can see men firing off guns at targets, and others going through training sets. Some men walk around, with clipboards and the like watching the men fire and recording notes. Mr. Winters turns to Michael and acknowledges his awe. He talks over the chopperâs whirring blades and says, â this is the WolfTeam Training and Research center, this is your new home.â The chopper lands and the whirring blades slowly stop. Michael, Mr. Winters and the three soldiers step out. Mr. Winters speaks. âMichael, that building to the East is your new housing, you will find a bunk with a letter on it read the letter, set up your things at that bunk, and meet us back out here.â
Michael heads off for the building.Inside the building, Michael is met with the stares of five other men. He looks around, then to the ground, and begins to feel very awkward. Michael makes his way over to a bunk and desk with a small letter on it. Michael unfolds the letter, and sighs gratefully as the gazes of the other five men turn away. Michael reads the following letter,
Welcome, Michael Wrench to the WolfTeam Training and Research Facility! You have been selected to be apart of a new elite team, the Black Operations WolfTeam, which is a side product of the WolfTeam project. This project is hidden, and discussion in any shape or form with anybody not directly involved with the mantinencing of this team or its location will lead to severe consequences. These are your new teammates, you may call them by their last names. (Following from left to right.) Lee, Glass, Calvert, Salvador, and Johnson. Here you will be trained and informed of the ways our WolfTeam will operate, so you can better serve our cause on missions. Report to Mr. Winters after setting up your area.
Michael finishes the letter and looks around at his new team members. Lee, a large Asian man sharpens a knife, Glass a well muscled white man with longhair aims a unloaded gun at a wall, Calvert, a wiry man with glasses sits around looking bored, Salvador, a well built Mexican man reads a book, and Johnson, an African American Man with dreadlocks stares at Michael. Michael ignores Johnsonâs stare and begins to set up his desk and bed. After he finishes Johnson speaks up. âLook what we have here⦠Michael Rench our new team memberâ¦â Salvador looks up from his book. âLeave him alone Johnson.â He tells him with a sigh. Johnson ignores Salvador and stands up. âSo what can you do for us boy, huh?â Michael shudders at the manâs sheer size .As he walks around the man he replies, â I am specialized in close combat training.â âSo are all we, and so was Litsue.â Johnson Comments. âLitsue?â Michael inquires ready to make his way out of the door. âYeah, Litsue.â Pipes in Calvert, âhe was the guy in your place.â âWhat happened to him?â Michael questions âwerewolf got him.â Calvert grimaces. Michael laughs lightly, thinking itâs a joke. The look on the other menâs faces tells him itâs no joke. âWell ummâ¦â Michael stammers, âIâm just gonna go nowâ¦â he opens the door and walks outside, Johnsonâs eyes following him the entire time. âI donât like himâ he tells the others once Michael is gone. Salvador speaks in Michaelâs defense, âyouâll get used to himâ¦â they all return to silence as they await training hours.

kinda short, sorry but this is only half the chapter, i am bored and want to go PLAY WolfTEam right now, so i'm gonna write the rest later. sorry if it's rushed, (which most of my chapter tend to be.) i tried to use good grammar and the like with WORD. ok? if you read you must commnent.

XSilentPhantomX
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XSilentPhantomX
715 posts
Nomad

OMG i just looked and it's all jacked up, can you guys please cipher through that and read it anyways? thanks s'ose

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