**I'll only post more chapters if I get good feed back and as I complete them (handwriten)**
The captial of Cardolin was nothing special. It reeked of sewage, filth, and the stink of human bodies packed to closely. Buildings were archaic, jumbled and huddled close together, like old men trying to keep warm on a winter's eve. The streets were ruled by gangs of children, urchins everyone of them. Yet even they answered to some form of order. Harthane, capital of Cardolin, City of Filth. No sane man moved his family here. No sane wie raised her children her. Hathane was the city of the dead and dellusioned. The only reedeming factor was it's wealth. But the wealth it brought in was controled tightly by The Guild. Only Shadows walked in The Guild. Only they became legends.
Nice concrete details. I can really picture this place in my mind, thanks to the host of sights, sounds, and (most importantly) smells you mentioned.
The metaphor of men huddling together as buildings was particularly striking, it's a unique way of describing this place.
So often in writing you'll find that the author simply tells the reader what something is like. You have done me and everyone else the favor of showing.
I'd work on making the paragraph a bit more cohesive. Each individual sentence seemed tied in well, but the jump from
The streets were ruled by gangs of children
to
Yet even they answered to ..
is a bit choppy. 'Yet' isn't often used to start it's own sentence -- more often it's an afterthought attached to something previous. (That's just me, though. :P)
Following up on my talk of 'cohesiveness' I wish you had lengthened it a bit further, suddenly talking about how 'wealth' was a redeeming factor to this wretched place you so skilfully described? No. Now, you have to do what you did with those earlier images, and show me why the wealth is 'redeeming' and how it was controlled.
For a prologue, it seems rather short. But the first few lines gave me hope. I'd love to hear more, just don't be afraid to write at length!
I'm diggin it Wolfie. Hope ya don't mind if I call ya that. Wolf is just too.... common. So is wolfie... but still. I like the ring of it. /offtopicness
I liked it. Alot. You have a way with words, gifted you could say. I can imagine this scene clearly, and I wanna know more about the land. CONTINUE BUD.
I apologize for it's length. I'm writing this all out by hand and decided to post what I wrote in a span of 20min. It may be short but I'm trying to put as much thought as I can. The prologue isn't finished yet. Thanks for the advice, seeing as this is a rough draft I will take all things under consideration while editing.
Hey dont worry about the length its the quality that I want to read rather than a page of hastily thrown toegether paragraphs. I cant wait for the next bit.
It all hung on the edge of a sword. The pale metalic skin of a naked blade. Kellus Antride walked the blade of the dagger across his knuckles again. A blade could end anyone's life if properly place; whether it was the lowly peasants that inhabitted the sprawling, flea infested, dank, jumbled rat holes of Harthane; or if it was the mighty High King of Aerlion. Yes, a perfectly placed blade could end anyone's life. The question was, not whether to end the life, but when to end it. In the end, it all came down to the edge of a sword. Kellus looked up from his reverie. Across him spilled the cramped alleyways of Harthane's poor section of the city, like some alien fungus that sprouted it's own micro-ecosystem. If not for The Guild Harthane would be one of the richest cities in the world. Thanks to The Guild only a small penisula held Harthane's wealthy. The rest was for the masses. Kellus closed his eyes again, thinking. Cardolin was threatened, The Guild was threatened, if The Guild slipped...if the fell... Kellus sighed, sheathed the dagger and stood. Either way it all came down to the edge of a sword.
Kellus moved across the city with ease. Each rooftop was another stepping stone to his destination. None noticed his passage, those below were either asleep, or too drunk on their own dispair. The rest simply could not here him. He passed over them like a spectre of Death, silently, but ready to take any life that might notice him by chance. He moved with athletic grace, never pausing in his break-neck speed, never second guessing a foot step or the distance from roof to roof. He was a being of the night. His only check came when he neared his destination on the east side of Harthane. The Mud District as it was called for it had been built upon mostly swampland and marsh. It wasn't common that the roads and alleys would be anything but mud. Kellus paused noting the flare of torches and the jingling of chain mail. A troop of city guards were patroling the area. Odd... why would any toop come so far off the main roads? And why to the Mud District of all places? He banished the thought with a shake of his head, debated following them, and moved on. His target was more important than the musings of city guards, he would ask later, The Guild owned most of the guard anyway. He waited until the torches were distant specks, no more than the glow of fireflies and pushed on. Several minutes later he was in the heart of the Drawers. He could smell the rot of bodies and sewage intermingling, with the briefest of hints of salt in the air, from the ocean to the west. Kellus slowed, and began to creep from roof to roof, searching. There! he smirked at the sight of his target. The boy was filthy, wearing trousers that were at least a size too small and a torn and thread bare tunic three sizes too big. His face, like so many other street orphans was black with grime and dirt. But, despite all that this was the boy The Guild had demanded, and Kellus was not going to give them a reason to revoke him. He nodded to himself, slowly drew one of his daggers and began walking it across his knuckles again. He crouched there, a good two storeys above the boy watching him sleep. With his left hand he drew a piece of parchment from under his tunic, read it, took hold of his dagger he and drawn, and jumped. Boy or not, a target was a target.
Anyway the story was fantastic and I really felt the emotions brimming inside Kellus and a bit from the world around him. It may sound odd but I feel like everything in the city is connected in some way; like the guild is the heart or mind and everything else spans from that. Also the guild owns the capital so do they won the country?
The second part was probably my favorite it had quotable moments and really, really made me want to read more.
I like it. As the others have stated, the detail you add is amazing. But as Samy also reminded, you are making a few careless mistakes I like the story over all, but I think it would be better if you showed how the Guild is involved with the government a bit clearer. Looking forward to the next update.
Thank you all who have commented on this work so far. I am currently writing my first chapter and will post the first part when it is done (I've been busy). Please do not despair over the finer things for everything will eventually come together (somewhat). Also, I noticed my mistakes after I had posted, it's what happens when you copy from a handwritten copy.
