ForumsArt, Music, and WritingMy war poem/s/ songs/ stories

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DeadlyVelociraptor
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DeadlyVelociraptor
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I don't know why I am not actually using my other thread but yeah... this thread and whatever I will put on it will be about war.... which is my main inspiration...

first poem!

history of war pt. 1

It started when man slid stone against stone
when jabbed to a man to death he moaned
men discovered a useful tool
thats the day it began its rule
a genius one discovered fire
now humanity is only dire
It started by hunting and getting meat
it did it in too much of a regular repeat
Then men happily discovered greed
we are the demons, we are indeed
leader of tribe was stabbed in chest
the assassin discovered the rest
as he took over the tribe with no hesitation
he took it without any real invitation
and discovered he could obtain more power
he started planning every hour
so he can take over more men and space
he made bad the human race

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DeadlyVelociraptor
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oh no! Here it comes! Its gonna kill me! *barricades the windows* phew now I'm sa.. *door explodes and it comes in* Oh no!!! Its gonna kill me! *it eats me alive*


IcyIndia
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Try capitalizing the first letter of every line.

spitting

Was this supposed to be "spilling"?


a bullet stuck between
A medic memorizing data
of how to heal a wounded man

A bullet stuck between what? The medic?

data of how

on, not of, I think.

maybe

May be. Space!

and cautiously fearing
that the same situation
could further happen to him


Cautiously fearing is a bit redundant. Actually, "cautiously" in that sentence seems entirely unneeded.

Who is "him"? Is it the medic?

could further

Could also. Further doesnât work very well, I think.


and he is cornered in combat
with the reinforcements reaching
and the man threats to kill him


Ok, so who is cornered in combat?

What reinforcements? Whose reinforcements?

What man? And I think itâs âthreatensâ. Threats is a noun, not a verb.

It seems like this man sort of popped out of nowhere while the narrator was being attended to by the medic.

with a bullet to the chest


Who got shot?
_______________

Ok. First of all, I hope you don't get offended by all of this, but a critique is in order.

I think the biggest issue in this poem is who you're talking about. First it looks like you're talking about someone who's gotten shot, then you've got the medic being attacked.

Then, technical stuff.
Be sure to read over your poems before submitting them.

You could use a bit more punctuation. Commas, periods, all that.
And spelling. Make sure you use the right word. Using the wrong one can be a bit confusing. Those red squiggly lines are there to help you!

Like I said before, try capitalizing the first letter in each line. It works wonders, I swear.
____________

I really liked that last poem, though. Just a bit more was needed.
Maybe you should edit it and write a new version. It'd help.
IcyIndia
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Crap. stupid symbols. It was supposed to be (in order of appearance)

doesn't

"threatens"

DeadlyVelociraptor
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oh no I am sooooo ashamed...

And the last poem was crap I do acknowledge that...


but yeah, thank you. First thing I'm probably gonna try to fix is the grammar... I could do that easily enough....

Second thing the whole thing with who? Is it the medic.... yeah... I shouldn't have done that... probably better not to create stories in poems...

I'll try to re-create the bad ones and create more ones but for now I shall nom (gnaw, eat, nibble) on some toasts!

IcyIndia
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No, stories in poems are fine, you just need to make sure the reader understands everything. Food sounds good. Thanks for the idea.

Your poem isn't crap...It's more like...vomit.

I'm joking.

It's good.
Just needs some work.

DeadlyVelociraptor
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Your poem isn't crap...It's more like...vomit.


its more like diarrhea....
IcyIndia
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its more like diarrhea....


Whatever!


Good job for spelling it right, I probably wouldn't have been able too...

Next!
DeadlyVelociraptor
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haha I didn't spell it right... firefox auto fixed me :P Most stuff I do spell right though...

DeadlyVelociraptor
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But anyway, here is another try:

Domination detracted the general's thoughts
Elaborate entree of war and battles
Soldiers raging ahead with rifles
Termination turned the world to dust
Rage and wrath run in the wild
Universe of tactics inside the general's head
Clearing a way for way word domination
Tolerance cannot be tolerated in war
Inevitably, though, there is nothing to do for,
Ordinarily people die in war, and
Nations destroy each-other with wrath

this is also a constructive poem, see if you can find the Easter egg...

DeadlyVelociraptor
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war haiku time!

World is burning down
America, vietnam
Rallies in the streets

Death at every place
Irrational thoughts of death's
Extermination.

Glock pistols in arms
U shaped lines of blood and gore
Natural its not.

all of them have Easter eggs too

IcyIndia
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DESTRUCTION

WAR

DIE

GUN.

I found it.

See how much capitalizing the first letter of every line helps?

gaboloth
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gaboloth
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Haha pretty easy to find... But usually Easter eggs are happy things...

DeadlyVelociraptor
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exactly, thank you Icy for giving me the idea... which also applies to the fact I really love constructive poems.... too bad I can't make any on AG :P... unless I get a scanner to scan my constructive poems...

but anyway... here is a blank poem:

IcyIndia
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Wait, your constructive poems? What's that mean?

DeadlyVelociraptor
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**** it my words get mixed up... CONCRETE poetry... not constructive... con and con... both long words... **** it....

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