I am going to post the poems ant etc I make here. A critique and feedback would be appreciated! The first one: It It lurks in the shadows; Hides from the light. So evil it turns meadows Into nothing more than a horrible sight!
Dark and grim, Gruesome and deadly It is horrid and turns everything dim!
Children please, promise me, That thee do not go Outside alone! It will shred you to pieces, Eat your insides, Drink your blood, And feast on thy!
As It is dark and grim, Gruesome and deadly, Turns everything depressing and dim.
You have reached a crossroads, Have a choice to make, What will it be?
Choose wrong and the Last thing we may hear from you Is a blood curdling shriek that pierces the night!
So promise me children that thee Do not go outside alone. For It is lurking, and waiting for YOU!
I liked the first stanza but i don't you should rhyme with Jell-O in the second stanza. I also love the line "To death's door i wave my hello", really powerful. The third stanza was a great way to end the poem.
Drowning Cold, wet, and fear stricken, Rasping mind, achey body, Emotional trauma blocking out all happy thoughts. Arms flail rapidly to and fro, Legs feel as if filled of Jell-O; To Death's Door I wave my hello. For suffocation is near, All because I fell off the pier.
Forgive me for not reformating that.
Very well, the poem, for the most part, is well written. However some of the despriptions steal away the tone you are setting here. Furthermore, the light hearted overtone is a complete contradiction to the opening of the poem. While it may work at times, this time I felt like it slapped me in the face. I felt cheated in a way. Perhaps I enjoy tragedy too much, but, even so to start off with what seemed dark, only to turn it into a joke is a discredit to you as a writer and steals the emotion from the poem.
I really, really, really liked the first stanza. I don't think you should have tried to rhyme the last two.
I loved the first stanza as my thoughts became words, I liked the second one too. I did need something to have fallen off of, for the person was drowning, and well, pier came to me cause I used near.
i don't you should rhyme with Jell-O in the second stanza
I was iffy on that rhyme too. I might change it later.
Very well, the poem, for the most part, is well written. However some of the despriptions steal away the tone you are setting here. Furthermore, the light hearted overtone is a complete contradiction to the opening of the poem. While it may work at times, this time I felt like it slapped me in the face. I felt cheated in a way. Perhaps I enjoy tragedy too much, but, even so to start off with what seemed dark, only to turn it into a joke is a discredit to you as a writer and steals the emotion from the poem.
yes yes I know, how is the second stanza specifically (besides jello I'm going to edit that) is that cheating on it too? Or is the joke withheld in the last stanza alone?
Well, I have edited and added more to the poem. Retains the dark image.
Drowning Cold, wet, and fear stricken, Rasping mind, achey body, Emotional trauma blocking out all happy thoughts.
Arms flail rapidly to and fro, Legs feel heavy as lead. To Death's Door I wave my hello.
For suffocation is near, I keep on sinking deeper. The light dims out, I See no more. I close my eyes tightly shut. The dark has me chilled to the core.
My heart keep thumping, thumping. Suddenly it stops, I've felt my last pulse.
Forgotten Whisper Once muttered, once spoken But now man has forgotten- All that remains of the whisper Is what the trees shiver; The branches swaying, beckoning.
The words are now lost, But linger in the Forest Echoing, never to be forgotten.
