Hi...uhm, I'm kinda new to AG, but I thought that I would create a thread to share some of my writing with you guys(sadly, if I shared my art here, I would eventually end up in a lawsuit with a weeping family and something about suicide). But really, the reason why I would post what I've written, is that my stories and poems would really benefit from some constructive criticism. And frankly, there's only so much criticism(constructive or otherwise) that you can get from your teacher without wanting to punch them in the face, yeah? So I thought it'd be better if I got some help from people that are....how to put this...closer to my level.
So, to kick things off, I'll post a poem in the OP, so you peeps can get a feel for my writing style.
They stare across it, eyes glazed As their homes are quickly razed They see without seeing, shellshocked They are embraced by hell's deadlock...
Shoot a gun, and they respond Kill but one, or stray beyond And war, soon it will come for you As it has, and always will, do
Action, reaction, pay the price Trapped in warfare's deadly vice One wrong word, peace is shattered As if they cared, as if it mattered
Air strikes; paint the windows black! And all the sidewalks red with blood Now, there is no going back You have begun the flood
Now the sky turns crimson red And grey ashes start to fall It seems that we have been mislead And that it will end us all
i want to become an enviralmental enginer if you want to help
I'm sorry, but I don't think I can help. At all. Like...how do you connect being a good writer on the internet to helping you become an environmental engineer? I'm not trying to be rude or anything, I'm just asking.
"You have no beliefs, you have no God You shall be destroyed by your facade You have no morality, you have no faith Our Lord is the one who keeps us safe"
"You base your life around some old book You could see if you'd just look You pray, you pay, you suffer again You will know that you're wrong in the end"
"You will burn in Hell forevermore You know it's true, within your core You denied the Lord, and you will pay Maybe tomorrow, maybe today"
"You believe in some being above I appreciate its basis in love But it's false, just a fraud Your belief in your God"
"You heathen, you hater, you- Hey guys, it's God here Can you just lend me an ear? Look, normally I just wouldn't care But I can hear your fighting all the way up there It's giving me a divine headache, and it needs to stop Can you just agree to disagree, I mean, come on, stop? Atheist, dude, stop calling him dumb I'll share with you a base rule of thumb If you insult someone, then they will fight back So can you just stop your yak? And Christian, stop saying he'll go to hell Because then he'll be offended, duh, well? Christianity's based upon love and forgiveness So can you just stop shoving their face into this? So all of you really are just being fools Thank you all, now I've got to go rule.
This was my original entry into the Poetry Contest, with the wave theme.
The waves of the ocean Crash against rocky shores Just like a nagging notion They keep knocking at your door
There are different waves They're electromagnetic Similar, but not enclave Some laze*, some are frenetic
Radio waves are very weak** But very strong as well Their wavelengths, long and meek But they also guide your cell
Microwaves*** heat your food But on the scale, they're low Without them, we are screwed But their energy? So-so
Infrared is cool It lets you see things that are hot It can be used as a tool But it's still fun if you're not
Here is visible light The stuff that you can see It's dear to my heart Because without it there's no sight It's just a tiny part**** But it's vital to you and me So I'm giving it extra space On my poem here Because it should get a place Since we all hold it so dear
Ultraviolet ain't so cool It gives your skin sun burns Use sunscreen, don't be a fool! Oh well, I guess you'll learn
And here are awesome x-rays They see through all your skin Uhmm...why aren't they called waves? I guess it's cuz they win xP
Finally, there's gamma rays Radioactive stuff With that, you shouldn't play Eh, they don't sound so tough =(]
And now, my poem's through and done Is that a relieved face? >=( I know my rhythm tends to run But I hope that I can place
I will post the new entry after the judging, since I really think I have a shot at placing!
Did you make up that religion poem Hyper? Its wicked, I love it!
That I did! I'm glad you like it, I'm actually surprised nobody's ranted about it yet. I thought for sure it would ruffle some feathers =/ Owait...I ttly don't think of that as a good thing >.- I'd appreciate any criticism that pretty much anybody has to offer at this point, be it about the poems or the Secret War.
The secret war is cool can't wait for more posts. >
Thanks! I kinda have bad news for ya'll though, you're gonna have to wait quite some time before the next chapter of the Secret War is done, just because I have writer's block at the moment. However, I can still write poems. Here's one that I came up with. I got the idea from...actually, I dunno. This is just a haiku I came up with.
The drought dried the stream But it's raining, it's pouring The stream flows again
Sorry for double post all, but I intend to prove Gantic wrong. He once said he has never met any teen who knows proper archaic inflection. So that's what I'm going to use in this poem, just to prove I can. Yeah...I'm pretty egotistical, aren't I? Hehe.
I prove herein that thou art wrong That teens cannot properly belong In the land of archaic inflection, am I And so I am therefore thusly obliged To write this ditty, for a writer am I
So, strength comes from within your mind But my strength is not properly mine It is thine, I tell you, it is thine And if thee looks farther, the truth you shall find
Archaic inflection, which I am obliged To write about, as a poet and writer am I I know I am wrong, and therefore you're right I'm not even a teen, I can't write In a language that even my grandparents don't like
Not waves of the sea, that comfort me In this difficult time You cannot see, but you can believe That they can forgive my crime
It's the waves of life, that cure my strife As I struggle to move on I am no lowlife, I've paid full price And now my hate is gone
The waves wash clean what I've done and seen So that I can start anew I'm no machine, I was just evil and mean But I wish that's what I didn't do
I've turned around, started from the ground And turned over a new leaf You can dig around, but you won't like what you've found Why can't you just accept my grief?
Make big waves in the sea, but it's already engraved into me I can't go back in time I'm new, I'm free, from what has broken me So please, please change your mind
The sea is an unforgiving home, and I'll be living all alone I can't quite reach When the pain is in the soul and bone, it's like a syndrome Your life, it will leech
They can't forgive, I can't forget, despite my all-consuming regret No matter how hard, no matter how long I want what I can't get, I can't have your forgiveness yet But I want you to know I was wrong
My entry into the poetry contest. Unfortunately it didn't place, but I didn't really expect it to beat 3rd or 2nd place. The other entries were better.
I made it for the Tile Contest, however I could only resize it to 100x75, so I decided to just leave it as it was and make it my sig. Whatcha think? *gasp* I haz posted art....oh noes! We iz doomed!!!!
