Hi...uhm, I'm kinda new to AG, but I thought that I would create a thread to share some of my writing with you guys(sadly, if I shared my art here, I would eventually end up in a lawsuit with a weeping family and something about suicide). But really, the reason why I would post what I've written, is that my stories and poems would really benefit from some constructive criticism. And frankly, there's only so much criticism(constructive or otherwise) that you can get from your teacher without wanting to punch them in the face, yeah? So I thought it'd be better if I got some help from people that are....how to put this...closer to my level.
So, to kick things off, I'll post a poem in the OP, so you peeps can get a feel for my writing style.
They stare across it, eyes glazed As their homes are quickly razed They see without seeing, shellshocked They are embraced by hell's deadlock...
Shoot a gun, and they respond Kill but one, or stray beyond And war, soon it will come for you As it has, and always will, do
Action, reaction, pay the price Trapped in warfare's deadly vice One wrong word, peace is shattered As if they cared, as if it mattered
Air strikes; paint the windows black! And all the sidewalks red with blood Now, there is no going back You have begun the flood
Now the sky turns crimson red And grey ashes start to fall It seems that we have been mislead And that it will end us all
but itz doesent spellz ur usernamez if u putz thee tilez together in any orderz thatz weirdz lolz i likez the letter z.
Man the point of the tiles is not to spell my name, it's like sudoku or a puzzle or something. Not in just any order. And besides, who said it actually had to spell my name eh? And your "z"s are getting annoying. Lol.
I'd liqe to qnow how it iz liqe a zudoqu or puzzzzle or zomething. Alzo, there iz no tile qontezt. It iz bij for a zij too. Alzo, 50x50 iz intenzhionally zmall, you eqovontizt. :P It is qolorvul.
I'd liqe to qnow how it iz liqe a zudoqu or puzzzzle or zomething. Alzo, there iz no tile qontezt. It iz bij for a zij too. Alzo, 50x50 iz intenzhionally zmall, you eqovontizt. :P It is qolorvul.
I iz blinded by ze qz and qz. OMG. I am doing it too now! *gasp* I'm infected!!!! Anyway, it's like sudoku because there is only one of the same phrase per line. Gantic: But...that's not how you play sudoku. ...Yeah, I kinda suck at sudoku, lol. And yeah, I realized it was tiny. =( What did you call me? An egotist?
butz the z'z arez the bombz :O they makez sentencez more funz for everyonez and arez happy letterz they iz ta bombz I dont knowz howz u canz not likez themz...
Hmmm...this isn't my normal style of writing, but I felt like it. I dunno, with all the internal and run on rhymes it almost feels like rap. Lazy.
I was there, then disappeared into thin air In the blink of an eye You don't know why, never even had a chance to say "bye" And now I'm gone, all because I had to just go and die
It was my time, nothing else, not a second more alive In an instant, in a second, now I'm constantly reminded Of the time I could've spent and all the things I could've done But instead of truly doing them I decided just to run
And I won't lie, I can't deny, I opened my eyes but it was far too late I'm out of time, off the clock, now my pain won't abate Cuz you know that it wasn't my fate, I threw it away for something not so great
I wish I could go back and take it all away, the pain and everything else that I wish I could say now But now it's too late and now it's all gone, I took too long and now everything's all wrong
I can't recant, I can't relent, cuz by now all of my life has already been spent I can't say a word or deed, can't take anythin' back, cuz what I did was just to evil to forgive and all that.
Haha, that was such a lazy poem. It could've been ten times better xP but I had to make it rap lol.
BOOM shakalakalaka. Now that I'm feeling a lot less lazy, here's the new and improved version of the above "oem", from the First Line Poetry thread!
Simple little memories The only thing that tethers me To my old life and my old world Mind tightly gripped, and fingers curled
Around this dusty memory That I can just barely recall Of things long past I wish to see My dreams, I treasure above all
And things I wish I would've done The time for which has come and gone Rather than live, I chose to run False things that I now dote upon
Eternity's a long, long time To just sit there on your *** I did it, I feel it's like a crime And now I have only my past
I've opened my eyes, but it's too late To see what is already lost My chance has passed, shut the gates Fear and sloth hold their hefty costs
And now I dream, and dream again Of what I could have, just once, been Now I have only false memories To last me for eternity
Feedback is not only appreciated, it's requested. In particular, I'd like to know what the above poem makes you feel or think of. Different people have different takes on different themes, and as a poet I'd like to hear them all!
Today you suffer internally Fear of suffering eternally Someday you might understand The truth behind this holy man
Intolerance, injustice, and sin I think you know it's a sham, within How do you know if it's a lie or true? You don't, it's because you want to believe, you do
Contradictions, dark afflictions, when will it end? There are so many cruelties with which we must contend Why add one more, fear of more pain? They say it's for God, but it's for their own gain
Just a short little debatey poem. I was feeling much less neutral than I was when I wrote that other God poem...I might expand on this one. Sorry for the triple post.
It's acceptable in your own thread. Your own lonely, lonely thread.. xD
I like the poem. And the previous two before that. A few comments though..
Today you suffer internally Fear of suffering eternally
Internally and eternally sound too alike to rhyme properly.
How do you know if it's a lie or true? You don't, it's because you want to believe, you do
This is a bit confusing. There's either too many commas or the second line is too long. Plus the first line doesn't make sense, it would be better if it read 'if it's a lie or the truth', or 'if it's a lie or if it's true'.
Contradictions, dark afflictions
Nice!
Why add one more, fear of more pain? They say it's for God, but it's for their own gain
First line seems too rushed and it would make more sense if it had a few more words to it but I love the last line.
It's acceptable in your own thread. Your own lonely, lonely thread.. xD
*cue goth music*
Internally and eternally sound too alike to rhyme properly.
I suppose you're right. It sort of depends on how you pronounce them, though.
This is a bit confusing. There's either too many commas or the second line is too long. Plus the first line doesn't make sense, it would be better if it read 'if it's a lie or the truth', or 'if it's a lie or if it's true'.
Hmm...I haz an idea.
First line seems too rushed and it would make more sense if it had a few more words to it but I love the last line.
I will see what I can do.
Sorry my CC was more negative than positive D:
Nah, negativity in CC just means it has more room to improve, which is good! I was actually expecting the rhythm to be off a bit as I'm listening to a song at the moment and when I was writing it. Ironically, it's Awake and Alive by Skillet, which is a Christian band and it's a pretty obvious Christian song but it is just SO CATCHY! Can't... stop...listening... Today you suffer internally Fear of suffering eternally Someday you might understand The truth behind this holy man Not much I can do about "internal eternal" without butchering the whole two lines...=(
Intolerance, injustice, and sin I think you know it's a sham, within How do you know it's a lie or true? You don't, you want do believe you do Cut down the fourth line, tried to clarify the third.
Contradictions, dark afflictions, when will it end? There are so many cruelties with which we must contend Why add the threat of damnation, and pain? They say it's for God, but it's for their own gain Howzat?
