Ok I know some ppl will say i copied off of Big Jacobs story. Big Jacob gave me the rights to the story and wants me to continue on it. I will take any feed back you have. Also I've got permission to use the few new names that are coming in.
ik jacob but to tell you the truth Jacob. I was trying more for action than comedy. I'll see what I can do with the comedy part. But if I don't get much comedy this time I'll try harder for next time.
"Oh man too bad it had to end this way", Big jacob said, " Can you do anything to help him Sunshine?"
"No Jacob nothing. ... Slayer is dead", Sunshine mourned while looking at Slayer's body under the spide leg, " We should have done this later. Now myspace will rule forever."
"Hey, can somebody help me from under this spider leg it's sort of heavy?" Slayer asked.
"Slayer!!!!" Sunshine and Jacob exclaimed while helping him from under the Spider leg.
"Ok thanks you two", Slayer said,"but I have to continue my quest."
"Can we come with you", Sunshine asked.
"You 2 are powerful people. I don't know who you are or what you are but ok you can join my quest", Slayer said
"Hey your evils should almost be destroyed and you should be back to normal. But beware of the cresent moon because that's when your true power will be revealed." Sunshine warned.
"Ok Sunshine it's good to know", Slayer thanked her.
So Slayer, Brian, Sunshine and Jacob headed off towards Myspaces castle. Sunshine's special ability of precognition helped them know where to go. Heading through forests and mountains. Resting for brief times in between for food, water and sleep. Well Slayer slept he dreamed of memories in the past. Memories from when he was dead and started to remember the terrors of the underworld. Although not feared by them he knew he had a difficult test ahead. After a few days they finally got there. "Ok, I'll lead you two follow, if there are any complications fall run and we'll meet back up at the cave where i met sunshine. If I die don't try anything lay low for a while. Ok" Slayer commanded. "We got it Slayer", Sunshine replied. "Ok then let's go".
Perfect o you see the truth is i was able to make action and comedy work together to make a action packed comedy filled story and pretty good action too.
The dialogue is great, but the whole story altogether would be excellent if you explained in great detail about the environment around them. In the end of chapter 5, they were near the castle, so they should be able to see it. Maybe the next chapter, go into detail about the castle? What's it looks like, what's inside, what's around it, what's it made of? Is it dangerous? If so, why? Is there anyone besides Myspace that's part of the castle?
Details make for a more impressive story that is sure to attract more readers
