Contradicting title, No? Considering this is to be the future place where I stock all poems and story ideas, it really is a contradiction. I figured I might as well put all of my ideas into one thread... at least I can keep track of most of them here. The only thing that will keep this thread alive is for people to tell me what they think. Basically, tell me when it needs, what it is missing, what it has too much of, ect. Please. Don't let this die. Thank you.
Just a little more. We are almost there. Just one step outside the door And we can get a breath of fresh air.
So long have we have had to wait Too much pain, We have had to take. Such a burden Is not wise. Because there's no doubt That it lead's to your demise.
Someone has to do it. Might as well be me. Who else can shoulder, Such a responsibility?
So now you and I Should part this destructive trail. For if you continue much longer, I'm afraid that you might fail.
Just leave now, So you can live your life. I can handle this pain, You don't need to have such strife.
Since you asked nicely This poem is a bit vague but has the sort of allusions that make me want to think of it as a character story. As in, I want to know more about your two elysian struggler's in life.
Your poems are mysterious but not too mysterious. The rhythm is nice but I felt like some lines were a bit long. Also I didn't feel the poem was supposed to end there, I thought there would be more of the story. Just one stanza would be enough.
Well, good job overall. I can feel your poem reaching out to me. That's what I like about these things.
This is the lil poem on My About. Since RightwRong asked to see it on here, I will post it.
It's Not Me
I'm sick of this fake smile, I'm sick of this fake me. What do I do? What am I supposed to be? Somebody help. Someone help me.
I'm crying out to the world, But life just isn't fair. Is it normal for me to think, That absolutely no one cares? It's times like this, That I wonder what to do. Help out everyone else? Or try and be new.
I just want some answers. I just want to see. Who am I? What am I supposed to be?
I guess I'll just Help everybody in need. But on the inside I will die, Because I'm too ashamed to cry. I ask for help now, But later I will refuse it. I think that writing this, Helps me out a little bit.
Maybe someone cares, Someone, out there. Meanwhile, I'll just suffer alone. Carrying my burden with a fake smile, All the way home.
Just keep posting your work and people will notice it. I'm not sure of what to say foe this one though, as i'm pretty much brain dead now. Sounds like someone frustrated with the world.
The first poem seemed to have a bit of lengthy parts. I personally think they were a bit TOO long compared to the other parts.
FOR INSTANCE:
And we can get a breath of fresh air.
Should be: And we can feel the fresh air Cuts out "can get a breath of" into "feel the", makes it flow a bit better, y'know?
And yeah, just keep posting your works and people will probably notice. I think it's a good idea to also put it on your page so that way you can find a quick reference, and a bit of shameless advertising as well.
My personal opinion of the second one is that it has a good beat, but I think it'd be better if made longer, and more eloquent sounding. More spontaneous rhymes rather then see, me, be and it, bit, and cry, die. That would help make it a bit longer to fit a better beat I feel, and add more to the emotion of it overall..
I feel sorry for the poor zap who had to do what the speaker in the poem "Burden" had to do.
Contradicting title, No? Considering this is to be the future place where I stock all poems and story ideas, it really is a contradiction.
Sorry, I am not really fond of poems. But seeing that you needed traffic, I decided to break my silence and tell you what I've been wanting to tell you.
