Contradicting title, No? Considering this is to be the future place where I stock all poems and story ideas, it really is a contradiction. I figured I might as well put all of my ideas into one thread... at least I can keep track of most of them here. The only thing that will keep this thread alive is for people to tell me what they think. Basically, tell me when it needs, what it is missing, what it has too much of, ect. Please. Don't let this die. Thank you.
I don't love you. Like I did before. Not like yesterday, When it was all okay. I cried so hard. Trying to get you back, But you don't wanna stay. Not with me, anyway. I'll never be the same, Now that you are gone. You just got up walked out. Left me to guess what it is about. After all this time, You spent playing pretend. I don't have the time to Prepare my heart to defend. I thought it was fine, But apparently not. Do you now how it feels, To have your heart shot? Your bullet of imitation, Went through and through. The last thought on my mind, Will always be about you. But my crazy thoughts, Of you coming back. It's not you, But sense that I lack. So no, I don't love you Like I did before. I was stupid to think that yesterday, Everything was okay.
This won't intentionally rhyme, and if it does, it wasn't meant to. I'm sure no one gives a **** about what I'm trying to say, but hey. That's okay. Just the face that I can type this out somewhere is something. I don't have a way with words where I can manipulate them to make you think, or to make you wonder. But I can try to make you see. Good or Bad? I don't know. You get to find out. If you bother to read on, that is. Imagine knowing the most probable outcome of a situation, and you know what would happen if you took this road, or that road, or the path less traveled on. Would you still do it? Would you still do something stupid? Or smart? Or the unknown? What would you do? What if people really did think that you didn't understand the outcome, and you try to tell them that you do, and the only way for them to see that you do is to not do it? But it depends on the people... Because if you do it and know the outcome, then it is proven to them, but to some it doesn't. It is all so confusing, and I can't please everyone when it comes to my decisions, although most people think I do stuff because I feel like it, No. I do it because they know that they feel like it but they are too scared to do it. I try to lead them into doing what they want to do. Now, if it is wrong or right, I don't know. But if they can make an example from my experience out of it, Then my goal was accomplished. To some I seem stupid, and to others I'm disappointing. I can't be this happy person, because I understand the weight of what I am doing. If I'm not a happy person, I can't have the hope of telling someone in the future just how I feel about life. The only people I didn't have to do that for are dead. Isn't it great how life works? If I act like I don't understand, I can pull off being happy. But then the others are disappointed that I didn't understand. SOOOOOOO CONFUSING. I know I'm nothing special, even though I try. I know I'm nothing extraordinary, but that depends on the definition you go by. I have my reasonings, and I use them even though people don't think I do. Just....Gah. GAH. GAHHHHHH! Shoot me and it will be over! I can't have all of this built up inside, or else I'm going to spontaneously combust into a worthless pile of unfinished things. I don't want to go on, so that way I don't have to choose. I don't want this pressure to do the right things at all times on me. I have to be perfect because you weren't? What the hell type logic is that?! Pain, Oh pain. It's a great escape. You probably don't understand. But it makes perfect sense. Sure it's stupid, but it keeps me from screaming my insides out to some random stranger. I haven't hit rock bottom again, so I can't build my way back up with stability. Imagine a 5 story house built on rotten foundations. those other 5 stories are beautiful and perfect, but somehow you have to mover those 5 stories and fix those foundations without being completely effed up. Ah hell this doesn't make sense right now, and it probably never will. I don't know why I am putting this here, but I just hope that someday I can read this again and see the truth that this was based upon, but I can see it and I know that my foundations are made of stable and unbreakable materials.
So, this is me. In my completely confusing, rambling, worthless, self-pity-party-ing self. Have a nice life
That's good; it's heartfelt and authentic. Have you ever considered playing in a band or composing songs; it seems to me you'd have a knack for this kind of job. You're main talent as a poet, in my opinion, is to establish a particular flow relative to the theme that often fits in pretty well. Intuitive, or rather musical writing is how I would describe your poesy Moon.
I've read your poetry. However you go for sense over metre and organisation. If you have a line that goes on for much longer than any of the others in the verse, don't be afraid to drop the end of it to a new line. This is called a caesura. What you tend to do is carry on the sentence until you can finish it (at what is called an end-point) like you would in a book, and generally, that's not acceptable if you want a phonetically, rhythmically pleasing verse. Quoting Stephen Fry:
This arrangement would enable us to end-stop in our heads our out loud as we read the verse. Surely that's a better way of organising things? That is the sense after all, so therefore why not break the lines accordingly? This is the 21st century, isn't it?
No, **** you, no! A thousand times no! The organising principle behind the verse is not the sense but the metre.
Basically, what Fry is trying to say here is that although times have moved on poetry is still structured to be rhythmic and metronomical, much like a musical composition on the piano or guitar. Maybe it will take four lines to say your sentence, but at least it will be appealing and easy to read both inside your head and out aloud.
The alternative is being less pleonastic. Rather than add to how many lines you spread a sentence across, cut down on the number of words per line. That does not mean don't use your vocabulary to make a piece more flowery, it means when you use multiple words see if you can cut it down to one or two in order to keep the piece flowing nicely.
Something cheerful eh? Well I kind of want to bring this back, but I have no fan dedicated enough to keep me on track. By the way, the #1 fan position is open! If you want the job, ask me. :P
I don't love you. Like I did before. Not like yesterday, When it was all okay. I cried so hard. Trying to get you back, But you don't wanna stay. Not with me, anyway. I'll never be the same, Now that you are gone. You just got up walked out. Left me to guess what it is about. After all this time, You spent playing pretend. I don't have the time to Prepare my heart to defend. I thought it was fine, But apparently not. Do you now how it feels, To have your heart shot? Your bullet of imitation, Went through and through. The last thought on my mind, Will always be about you. But my crazy thoughts, Of you coming back. It's not you, But sense that I lack. So no, I don't love you Like I did before. I was stupid to think that yesterday, Everything was okay.
Woah! This is like a triple shot of De Ja Vu for me! You clearly went through a lot of time adding great imagery and gave a "before-and-after" in this poem right here. It would be great in later poems to provide what exactly happened. I have a good idea that there was a breakup, but all I feel is hate, regret, and deep sadness. What exactly happened? One other critique....My opinion is that poems should either be broken up to the next line or should be continuous, if that makes any sense. Your poem does both. To make the feeling better, it should be consistent throughout the piece, save for a few bits of change to better accommodate the lines that need it most--an example would be if a poem is flowing and sweet, but the author decides to shift a different direction, he would make pauses in the poem to pivot where the direction would go. I think that would help future piece for you, but this is all coming from Frank, a guy who has yet to make a traditional poem on AG XD
