Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → Short Story Contest - Theme: Discovery/Exploration (Page 16)

Handing it over to me?

Why, how nice of you...

I'll always be up for the job

So, I'm gonna take on MusicMan's whenever he posts it, Cattygrl's tomorrow and let MusicMan deal with the rest.

Review of Thecattygrl's "The True And Epic Tail Of Salmion - A Ninja"

Setting: "Rampaging through the streets" is the only setting description in the story, and even then, it has no description of the street.

1/10

Plot: I like the plot, it introduces the characters, the world, and what is happening. Then goes into a problem that is fixed after sort of a climax, and then a good twist in the end. Problem is: It's very short and un-detailed.

7.5/10

Characterization: I know about the characters, which is nice, and you ruled out un-important characters, which is also nice; but every character was flat, not round. When I read through it I couldn't help thinking it's written like a short folk tale, something like Little Red Cap.

6/10

Showing, not telling: You showed, the dialogue replaced "They discussed the situation blah blah blah" thing. One thing I don't get is:

After training all night, the ninja was waiting in the field when the Dark Knight arrived.

They had an epic battle. There was some back and forth battle but of course Salmion won.

oh crap! knowing the catty girl in real life and knowing she got a better rating than me urcs me! i shal revise me and get atleast a 6!!! prepare to be owned.

Sorry, judged you already

Next theme, Maybe.

The method of the judging is good I believe, but couldn't you save them in a draft and them post them all at once?
Otherwise, it just becomes that every page is too long to look at.

*That's probably a ridiculous statement, but, oh well*

If I get enough time, I'll try to post something up.

Thecattygrl: The True and Epic Tail Of Salmion - A Ninja

Setting:

"The light domain" and "the dark forest" were the only main settings the reader was given and and we didn't get any descriptions of either.

3/10

Plot:

There was a basic idea, but the execution of that idea was lacking. You took away the effect of a rising action and climax which made the story boring. If it's a battle story then everyone will be waiting to read the battle scene; therefore, the battle scene must be the best part of the story. Review Freytag's Pyramid for a basic model of how to do plot.

4/10

Characterization:

You gave us names, that's all. You didn't give physical descriptions, we didn't see any characters grow or deteriorate throughout the story, and the reader wasn't given any real insight into the minds of the characters. All the characters were flat and static, plus there was no real main character.

2/10

Showing, not telling:

I was only told. The story didn't catch my attention and there were points when I wanted to stop reading it all together due to the lack of elaboration and sentence painting.

0/10

Grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. :

Was OK. Saw some mistakes in spelling and punctuation. The format was also just a little strange.

7/10

Concept:

There was a concept, but it wasn't made into a story. Paint your sentences and use more descriptive wordings.

4/10

Overview:

I saw your idea and the plot twist would have been nice if done properly. Paint your sentences, check your spelling/grammar, and make sure your plot follows the basic Freytag's Pyramid with the climax being the main event of the story.

~3.3/10

Sorry if I seem harsh, but thats how it is sometimes.

@All writers here

I want to see more elaboration upon plot, characters, and setting. Make sure you have that before submitting because I get kind of sick typing the same thing over and over again.



@DV

I'll try to judge yours today, but some unexpected business came up.... We'll see...

@ Polly, I'm sure you'd want to re-make it. I can judge yours, thinking that each of those quotes are dialogue, though.

@MusicMan, nice job.

overall ranking for catgirl's:

4.4

Well, musicman, the job is now up to you. You've got more stories to judge (I think) and I am waiting for your entry.

~DV.

Okay, I think I fixed it. Unless it ends up like last time I tried to post a story, and the quotation marks come out as weird symbols.
Well, hopefully not.
And also, I forgot the title before:
A Tale of Two Ninjas (Oh,and a murderer)

âUmm, Jack?â Eric said as he was walking out the door, âHow are we supposed to find Cole?â âWell,â I said, âWe are ninjas.â

âBut that's the problem,â he whined, âPeople expect us to be all sneaky and awesome just because we're ninjas.â âQuit complaining and follow me,â I said, âI still don't get why Marshall sent a trainee on a mission like this.â After a little while, we saw a strange building.

âDo you think this could be Cole's HQ?â He asked. âI don't know,â I said, âMaybe.â I looked in the window. There was a room with a big table. There was one guy standing near the table, and three more guys sitting there. They were talking.

âWhat do you see?â Eric asked. âShh,â I said. I tried to listen. I heard the standing guy say, âSo, Marshall sent out some ninjas, huh?â He laughed, âI think he's losing his touch.â I figured that he was Cole. âSir,â one of the other guys said, âDo you think that we should send someone out?â

âWell,â Cole said, âIf you think that's such a good idea, then why don't you go out?â âYes, sir,â he said. He walked out of the room. I looked at Eric. âIt's Cole. He's sending someone out,â I said. âLet's go,â Eric said.

We walked towards a door, and the guy I saw from the window came out. âWell, well, well,â he said, âYou must be the little pests that I was sent to kill.â Eric leaned near me. âUhh, Jack?â he whispered, âAren't you just a little bit worried that we might get killed?â

âNo,â I said, âAnd you shouldn't be worried either.â âI think you should both be worried,â the guy said, âCause I'm gonna kill you.â Eric turned pale. âNoob,â I muttered. I kicked the guy right in the face. He fell over unconscious.

âWell that was easy,â I said, âCome on, Eric.â We walked through the door. I sneaked around to the room that Cole was in. âJack...â Eric whispered, âI think... I'll... go first.â

âAre you sure?â I whispered. âYep,â he said. âAlright.â He crouched down, walked into the room, and hid behind a desk. Then, I heard Cole say, âWait, did you hear something?â âNo, Sir,â one of the guys said. âI'm sure I heard someone,â Cole argued.

âOver there!â he shouted in Eric's direction. Eric ran out the door, grabbed my arm, and ran out of there. All three of them chased after us.

âERIC!â I yelled. âWhat?â he said. âWe are ninjas,â I said, âWe don't run. We fight.â â...Oh,â he said. He turned around. âERIC!â I yelled again. He was already running towards Cole.

I ran after him, but when I got there, Cole was holding a gun to Eric's face. âI'm serious,â Eric said, âI'm just an innocent bystander.â âYeah, right,â Cole said.

âHe's right, Cole,â I said. He turned around and aimed the gun at me. He had found a new target. âAnd how would you know?â he asked. âWell,â I said, âI saw him walking down the street earlier today.â âOh really?â Cole said.

âReally,â I answered. I saw Eric pull out a gun. He glanced at me. I nodded. I closed my eyes. I heard a gunshot. I down, and Cole was dead. The other guys ran away.
âWhy did you even have a gun?â I asked, as we were walking away. âI just figured that we would need one,â he said. âWell... thanks,â I said.

Yeah... You'd want to just write it here...

lol Sorry.
Just do your best to read it.

Right.

For the sake of finishing something too early because I'm bored:

Setting:

There is really nothing, a couple of rooms that are a little un-described and un-important. It gets confusing.

4/10

Plot:
Weird. Very weird. It's a burst of action that goes by flashing through your eyes. I'm getting the objective here, and I may say the climax was clear.

But it wasn't very good, as a climax. Again, it was a bit too weird.

Also, what's the point of it? Why would Cole kill them and them kill Cole?

3/10

Characterization:

You gave us names, that's all. You didn't give physical descriptions, we didn't see any characters grow or deteriorate throughout the story, and the reader wasn't given any real insight into the minds of the characters. All the characters were flat and static, plus there was no real main character.

Is the next theme going to be more freeform than . . . ninjas? A theme like this is going to attract people who're hunting for recognition rather than writing, and it pretty much shoehorns in the characters and potentially the setting for you.

I would hope either me (Even though I don't like mine much), MusicMan, or somebody that would make an actual story would win, and would choose a better theme.

Thanks for including me in this DeadlyVelo + MusicMan for including me in this story. I did better than I thought I would.

@jacksonghuntington

BURNAGE!!!

Sorry... couldn't resist the tempation...

- THECATTYGRL XD

I think you should wait to the deadline to judge. It said in the beginning that you were allowed to resubmit. If you get bored, and judge somebody's a week before the deadline, they have no chance to do so. I don't think the judging is bad, it's awesome, but you really should wait or change the original rule.