Well hi there. As some of you may know, I had a previous writing thread. But I was so sick of reviving it, I had it locked. I would LOVE it if you gave me actual feedback, not just "lol I like it." That is a bummer. You have no idea, putting time and effort into something but just saying you like it. Tell me WHAT you liked about it. Or what you thought could be better.
Now. I'm not gonna beg or anything, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T LET THIS THING DIE!!!!!!!!!!!! See? No begging.
Now. I will post all of my poetry shiitake from my old thread, so new people can have a looksie.
And I love everyone that told me to not give up. You know who you are, mah peeps. Sure it is torture looking back on what I wrote, but I really like poetry, so I'm gonna keep hoping I make something great.
Just a little more. We are almost there. Just one step outside the door And we can get a breath of fresh air.
So long have we have had to wait Too much pain, We have had to take. Such a burden Is not wise. Because there's no doubt That it lead's to your demise.
Someone has to do it. Might as well be me. Who else can shoulder, Such a responsibility?
So now you and I Should part this destructive trail. For if you continue much longer, I'm afraid that you might fail.
Just leave now, So you can live your life. I can handle this pain, You don't need to have such strife.
I'm sick of this fake smile, I'm sick of this fake me. What do I do? What am I supposed to be? Somebody help. Someone help me.
I'm crying out to the world, But life just isn't fair. Is it normal for me to think, That absolutely no one cares? It's times like this, That I wonder what to do. Help out everyone else? Or try and be new.
I just want some answers. I just want to see. Who am I? What am I supposed to be?
I guess I'll just Help everybody in need. But on the inside I will die, Because I'm too ashamed to cry. I ask for help now, But later I will refuse it. I think that writing this, Helps me out a little bit.
Maybe someone cares, Someone, out there. Meanwhile, I'll just suffer alone. Carrying my burden with a fake smile, All the way home.
Streaks of light Bleach the sky With it's simplicity A brilliant shine Soft blue Fades to black Waiting for the dew To appear on the grass The green And blue The black And white The colors How to indite How to recite To the blind of beauty The blind of nature Why should I explain? Is it my duty? But I must share The breathtaking scene But how can I To those who haven't seen... I will try But know I might fail Beauty held by my eye Must prevail
I don't love you. Like I did before. Not like yesterday, When it was all okay. I cried so hard. Trying to get you back, But you don't wanna stay. Not with me, anyway. I'll never be the same, Now that you are gone. You just got up walked out. Left me to guess what it is about. After all this time, You spent playing pretend. I don't have the time to Prepare my heart to defend. I thought it was fine, But apparently not. Do you now how it feels, To have your heart shot? Your bullet of imitation, Went through and through. The last thought on my mind, Will always be about you. But my crazy thoughts, Of you coming back. It's not you, But sense that I lack. So no, I don't love you Like I did before. I was stupid to think that yesterday, Everything was okay.
A heap of shattered glass and dust is all that remains. A constant clash of minds is a harsh mental drain. We hurt each other and ourselves at the same time. Nothing we can do will fix this brutal crime. A heap of shattered glass and dust is all that remains. Nothing can fix this eternal heartfelt pain.
I always lied to you And never felt bad You kept coming back And that made me so mad. I never gave you a reason to love me I always hated that you stayed I wanted you to go So I could be alone I hurt you too much The last time around When I realized I loved you And you couldn't forgive me Because I broke your heart too many times before You couldn't seem to find it in you To let someone in So I saw you shut your heart down And store all emotions beneath the skin. So this is a goodbye To all of my family and friends I just want all of this to end.
Since I don't have much time before work, I'll only critique some.
The streaks of light one was amazing, it had great flow when I was reading it and the rhyming sense was great.
It's times like this, That I wonder what to do. Help out everyone else? Or try and be new.
As Tacky said, the last line doesn't seem to fit that much syllable wise. You might like this line. Or should I try to be new?
The mournful winter releases life From its duty for a season, Some view it as death, But I view it as with a reason
That was a brilliant one as well as the other two I've critiqued one, it might work a little better than it already is, if you take out the "as" in the last line. But I view it with a reason
The mournful winter releases life From its duty for a season, Some view it as death, But I view it as with a reason
lol i like it
Just kidding, but this is really good. The last two lines are slightly off though. I would suggest: Some may view it as a death, But I view it with a reason. I tend to write my poems with similar, if not the same, sylabul pattern, so this is just my personal preference. Your other poems are great, but this ones my favorite. Also, have you seen Starcutie's works? There similar to some of yours.
