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Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → [req]MoonFairy's Metrophobia - A lesson in contradictions

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MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
3,386 posts
Shepherd

Well hi there.
As some of you may know, I had a previous writing thread.
But I was so sick of reviving it, I had it locked.
I would LOVE it if you gave me actual feedback, not just "lol I like it."
That is a bummer. You have no idea, putting time and effort into something but just saying you like it. Tell me WHAT you liked about it. Or what you thought could be better.

Now. I'm not gonna beg or anything, but
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T LET THIS THING DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
See? No begging.

Now. I will post all of my poetry shiitake from my old thread, so new people can have a looksie.



And I love everyone that told me to not give up. You know who you are, mah peeps. Sure it is torture looking back on what I wrote, but I really like poetry, so I'm gonna keep hoping I make something great.

  • 200 Replies
Nurvana
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Nurvana
2,520 posts
Farmer

In case you haven't realized yet, Whatever I do isn't good enough.


Oh no I realized that long ago
deathopper
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deathopper
1,564 posts
Nomad

In case you haven't realized yet, Whatever I do isn't good enough.



I get you. Same thing here.
But at least you're good at poetry I can tell you that. You're really good in fact. Better than I'll ever be.
I try to get the best grades in school and I succeed. But no the 18/20 is not good enough for my old man. Why? Because some kid got a 18.5/20.
All my grades can be qualified as good grades, but just because some brat got higher it's not good enough. So you know my parents get angry and I work harder and harder and harder and HARDER. Until I get mad. Well, I'm well on my way, I can tell you that.
/rant

And to not make my post utter off-topic crap I'll critic. Page 9, last poem.

It's a good poem. I find it a little humorous. Personally,I think it's a kids point of view of revenge (well a really sick kid's point of view of revenge). Because the way you call hit-men ninjas just seem really childish to me. It's a great poem.

I just have a problem with the third stanza. Seems out of place. All of the stanzas rhyme, but this one doesn't and the way you formulated the third line sounds a little weird.
MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
3,386 posts
Shepherd

Page 9, last poem.

I won the Poetry Contest with that one ^.^

The theme was Stealth, I do believe, and what better to fit a Stealth them than NINJAS?!

I get you. Same thing here.
But at least you're good at poetry I can tell you that. You're really good in fact. Better than I'll ever be.
I try to get the best grades in school and I succeed. But no the 18/20 is not good enough for my old man. Why? Because some kid got a 18.5/20.
All my grades can be qualified as good grades, but just because some brat got higher it's not good enough. So you know my parents get angry and I work harder and harder and harder and HARDER. Until I get mad. Well, I'm well on my way, I can tell you that.
/rant

A TO THE FREAKING MEN, BLAAAAARGH THAT IS EXACTLY HOW IT IS.
I can get a 99 on a test, but that doesn't matter, some kid got a 100. I can score 6 runs on my own in a softball game, but that doesn't matter, some other kid scored 7. I can jog a 6 minute mile, but that doesn't matter, some other kid somewhere else could jog a 5.45 minute mile. I could be first chair at whatever instrument I touch, but that doesn't matter, because there is some other kid out there that can beat me.

It SUCKS to be in that situation.

Then I came here, and kinda ranted it out... bleh. Sorry for that, whatever viewers I might have left.
Well, I guess I should post something here, sooner or later. Maaaaaaaybe I will. Buuuuut I probably won't. No, I will, today, just not... as soon as you might like.
Mwaha.

Anyways. This is a HUGE internet hug for all of the people that have actually looked at this thing, however full of failure it might be.

http://i756.photobucket.com/albums/xx210/MikuMitsuki/KITTEHhug.jpg
MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
3,386 posts
Shepherd

Keep dreaming,
They all say,
And one day it will come true.
But they never mention,
What you will have to do.

Maybe they don't know,
But at the least they could try.
Instead of leaving you,
Stranded, to die.

Not a hint or a clue.
There is simply,
Nothing you can do.

They tell you to dream,
Of impossible things.
Shoot for the moon,
You'll land with the stars.

But they won't tell you,
Tell you just how far.
They send you on a raft,
Made from the hearts bliss.

That's what they think,
As they send you on your way.
Nothing to be afraid of,
Love will make sure you're okay.

Then you run into a storm,
And it changes very fast.
Turns into a horrid form,
Your raft will not last.
Love is overcome,
By what the world calls hate.
You jump from your raft,
You can't wait for it to abate.

Dragonblaze052
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Dragonblaze052
26,677 posts
Peasant

That poem seems so familiar. Did you have it in that long block of poems you dumped in here that one time?

Also, thank you for the huge internet hug.

MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
3,386 posts
Shepherd

Nah, I made that for the FLP.
I've pretty much covered all emotions, I think, so I'm losing my connection with poetry... blah. I don't think I've done a jealousy one... I might try it later today.

Dragonblaze052
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Dragonblaze052
26,677 posts
Peasant

Well, considering I'm never in the FLP, I guess you are just writing the same emotion in a similar way.

Maverick4
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Maverick4
6,800 posts
Peasant

I've pretty much covered all emotions,


Just because you've covered one emotion, doesn't mean you can't cover it again. Writing a poem about 'happy' in no way means you've covered anything and everthing remotely relating to 'happy'. Theres 'joy' and 'gladness' and 'exuberance' and 'a pluthra of positive endorphines'. So just branch out, and cover more specific forms of 'happy' or what have you.
MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
3,386 posts
Shepherd

Christ, Mav. Go look through all of my pages, I'm sure you will find one to fit all of those terms somewhere.

Maverick4
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Maverick4
6,800 posts
Peasant

I'm sure you will find one to fit all of those terms somewhere.


1) Find a thesaurous

2) Look up emotion.

3) Write a poem FOR EVERY SYNONYM LISTED FOR EVERY EMOTION

4) Wash, rinse, repeat.

Or you could go to differen't styles of poetry, like Pantoums, Haikus, Ballads, or story-telling poetry.

Or write about personal experience! I do that all the time, and look at how I turned out. Oh... shi-

Or write poetry that attempts to answer a question. If you remember, I wrote one on 'Where do dreams go when they die?' Find a topic is easy; It writing about it thats the tricky part.
MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
3,386 posts
Shepherd

Or you could go to differen't styles of poetry, like Pantoums, Haikus, Ballads, or story-telling poetry.

I was thinking of doing that, I might after I do your little.... thing.
Or write about personal experience! I do that all the time, and look at how I turned out. Oh... shi-

Silly boy. I DO write about personal experience.
MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
3,386 posts
Shepherd

Well. You will have more. Just not here.

I'm going to shut this one down. I poorly placed everything here at one time, but on my new thread which I will be making VERY soon, everyone that bothers to look will have a chance to see everything, it won't be in such a concentrated form though.

So say goodbye to Metrophobia.
I've got to come up with a new name... hmm...

FloydTC
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FloydTC
2,906 posts
Nomad

I've got to come up with a new name... hmm...


Ill give you 5 imaginary dollars if you include my name in the op. 15 if you include it in the title of the thread.
MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
3,386 posts
Shepherd

How about deal if I include you in the OP, you'll stick around and actually look at my poetry?

FloydTC
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FloydTC
2,906 posts
Nomad

Ill even comment on it from time to time.

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