Well hi there. As some of you may know, I had a previous writing thread. But I was so sick of reviving it, I had it locked. I would LOVE it if you gave me actual feedback, not just "lol I like it." That is a bummer. You have no idea, putting time and effort into something but just saying you like it. Tell me WHAT you liked about it. Or what you thought could be better.
Now. I'm not gonna beg or anything, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T LET THIS THING DIE!!!!!!!!!!!! See? No begging.
Now. I will post all of my poetry shiitake from my old thread, so new people can have a looksie.
And I love everyone that told me to not give up. You know who you are, mah peeps. Sure it is torture looking back on what I wrote, but I really like poetry, so I'm gonna keep hoping I make something great.
Dancing on the Fairy's lake, With thousands of fireflies to keep you awake.
I liked the choice of words. It was very descriptive and helped me picture it perfectly.
Drifing ashore, Onto the fiery land. Calming waters, Rush on the soft sand.
This part stays stable until Rush on the soft sand. It just doesn't feel together there.
The passion seen in his eye, Sparks your past, Where passion used to lie. Memories spinning Old scars returning My heart is breaking The past has now returned.
Out of the entire poem, this part flowed the best.
Take a stand against the time. Put your fears back, behind. Dreams returning Past is again blurring A new passion belongs Where fear once did its wrongs
You know how some songs will cease instrumental and the singer will keep going? It happens here. It feels like it slows down a bit.
Hope inspired, Fresh desire To live a new day No more having to worry What these scars have to say. So return to the world Where the moon man is humming, The water and sand softly drumming, The fireflies light to keep you awake And start dancing again on the Fairy's lake.
I love how you come back and sum everything up. It gives nice closure.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay paarfam I love you. That bit about the sand, you know how water rushes up to the shore? Then receding really quickly. Thankyouthankyouthankyou *bows* I will finish your thread as soon as I get within 10 feet of a computer with internet!
I could relate to it. For me the "memories" are the memories of my past life and friends. The "scares" are the moments I had to leave everything to start life anew and the problems I have to face now. The "lost of passion" is the melancholia I slipped in. And Fairy's lake is the dream I have and I hope to achieve.
Anyway the only thing I can say is that most of the poem is in the second person, but this part confused me.
My heart is breaking The past has now returned.
Why did you put it in the first person? It looks you forgot you were in the second person for a second and then back to the second person again hoping nobody would notice.
Maybe this "My" is the narrator, maybe not. Explain plz.
Its a little awkward to read, but reading outloud, it sounds quite wonderful.
My heart is breaking The past has now returned.
This is a little odd. The flow is fine, but why is it in first person? Its just slightly odd, is all.
Take a stand against the time. Put your fears back, behind. Dreams returning Past is again blurring A new passion belongs Where fear once did its wrongs
This part is alright. It seems that one line won't have enough sylabuls, and next has too much. It has good imagery though, and speaking it aloud seems to resolve this issue.
Where the moon man is humming, The water and sand softly drumming, The fireflies light to keep you awake And start dancing again on the Fairy's lake.
A very nice way to wrap the poem up. If it were a video, I imagine a moon shining on a lake, and as the camera fades out, little lights begin to spark over the lake and trees. I liked this part the best; it was my favorite.
Can't you hear the bells? The children leave the schools. The people leave the church. The world wakes up, All is well.
So straight forward and literal. Not my kind of thing, but it gives a nice image for setting.
Can't you hear the bells? It is time for you to go. I can't leave with you, But I do hope that you know.
This part feels like it means more than one thing... Hm...
I would, If I could, But I can't.
I would if I could but I shan't for I can't. I'm just kidding, your way of saying it sounds much better.
Can't you hear the bells? I can hear them. Can't you? It is time for this to end. We both know what we have to do.
Rising action...
We met just as the bells started to ring. Too bad this couldn't of been our start. We both realize this is the beginning of our ending. I think I can let you go now. So why can't you?
...And climax!!! These two stanzas flow nicely, almost like a movie sped up, but understandable of course.
Can't you hear the bells? The world is no longer A place for us to dwell.
So... The climax left the main characters to deal with banishment, eh? Nicely wrapped up Moon. Good job on this one!
Jeol, thaaaaaaaank you. I didn't really use a set rhythm, it just... came to me. I wrote what my brain told me to. You gotta call dibs on a part of me, apparently. Choose wisely.
Paarfam, again, I thank you for the critique. I kind of.... wrote it about a certain someone. I had to sped it up otherwise we would be here for years reading that one poem lol. I chopped it up in the middle in an attempt to move away from my darn rhyme scheme my brain seems to be stuck on.
Nurv.... and to think. I complimented you on your story and you reward me by this. *betrayed*
I'm going to say the generic poetry critique sentence first: I really liked that last one you wrote. I would write more, but I am risking my liberty here. :b
I enjoyed the rhyme scheme and how it wasn't completely orderly but still had a structure, because face it. You're probably going to be a bit disorderly when you're dancing on a Fairy Lake. I also like the emotions running through it and how some of the lines seemed a bit breathless.
alrighty, thanks everyone who has been keeping this alive But really, feel free to look back on the pages with all of my old poetry I could do with improving, and to do so I need critiqing!
