Well hi there. As some of you may know, I had a previous writing thread. But I was so sick of reviving it, I had it locked. I would LOVE it if you gave me actual feedback, not just "lol I like it." That is a bummer. You have no idea, putting time and effort into something but just saying you like it. Tell me WHAT you liked about it. Or what you thought could be better.
Now. I'm not gonna beg or anything, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T LET THIS THING DIE!!!!!!!!!!!! See? No begging.
Now. I will post all of my poetry shiitake from my old thread, so new people can have a looksie.
And I love everyone that told me to not give up. You know who you are, mah peeps. Sure it is torture looking back on what I wrote, but I really like poetry, so I'm gonna keep hoping I make something great.
I will allow you to carry on with this rant. I want to talk back, But we both know I can't. So I'll sit here and write, While you try to spark a fight. I won't say a word, I'll just record my spite. My silence is pure But my thoughts are tainted With the picture of your death That my head has painted.
I will allow you to carry on with this rant. I want to talk back, But we both know I can't. So I'll sit here and write, While you try to spark a fight. I won't say a word, I'll just record my spite. My silence is pure But my thoughts are tainted With the picture of your death That my head has painted.
You wouldn't have happened to write this during our quibble in Endril would you have? Because that's pretty much how I felt
Today during my actually decent day, I wrote 2 things. Wooooaaaahhh. And to everyone, I still can't touch a computwr, and the rest of this week I'm suuuuuper busy. So, expect to see me active sometime next week. Meanwhile, please enjoy this crap writing I have for you!
Well jeol, normally people don't dissect poetry into syllable counts. While I do thank you for that, you didn't tell me a thing about WHAT you liked about it or what it made you think of. I don't really care about syllable counts, I care about what you see when you read it, what it makes you feel when you read it, what it makes you think of when you read it, get it? I do appreciate you going through it, though.
The wind is strong, The breeze is sincere, All throughout life, We hold our air dear. We breathe it in, We breathe it out, Without air we couldn't talk, Without air we couldn't shout.
This stanza is excellent. It flows perfectly and the rhymes are great.
Air makes up you, Air makes up me, And we thank it, By cutting down the trees. We are killing it, While it lets us live, Now if you think that is fair, You must not know how we could give.
I think you should have wrote.
Air is what makes you Air is what makes me,
Maybe the "make up" part has some sort of meaning. If so explain. Anyway, the rhyming schemes is a little off and ruins a little of the atmosphere the first stanza builded. Other than that I find it pretty powerful. The way you personify nature and say we treat it "unfairly". I liked it.
We should recycle, As a token of our thanks, So life can go on, As we give what we take. Air is sweet, Air is kind. It lets our boats sail, It's what gives life to your mind.
I can't really comment. It's just good.
So next time time you take a smoke, Or next time you throw away plastic, Remember that you are giving life, That last one was sarcastic. ;P Let's keep our grass green, Let's keep our oceans blue, Let's keep the air clean, Because if not, It will eventually kill you.
A great conclusion to a great poem. I especially like the last line. It really sums up the whole global warming problem in a funny-ish manner. Also the rhyming scheme was a little off in some parts. It ruined a very small part of the poem. Luckily the poem's awesomeness made up for that little fault.
Note to all that look at mah poems One, thank youuuuuu. Two, I don't really have a set rhyme scheme.... I just do whateva. During the summer if I'm not insanely busy I might try to actually get a set scheme or style, or try to so certain scheme styles.
*epic sigh* HOW IN THE MOTHER EFFING HECK DO I GET 1,000 MORE VIEWS, BUT I CAN LEAVE THIS FOR 4 DAYS AND GET NOTHING SAID AT AAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL. I. Am. Not. Happy. With. This.
Oh, hey, why don't you go through and look at about 5 of my pages, it has stuff that people only look at, and don't say ANYTHING about. Isn't that just joyful? Having ALL of that just sitting there, wasting away, having no one actually give me what I need to improve. *another epic sigh* If I tried writing something, it wouldn't be good enough. If I tried to draw something, it wouldn't be good enough. If I tried to take a picture, it wouldn't be good enough. If I tried to write music, it wouldn't be good enough. In case you haven't realized yet, Whatever I do isn't good enough. \ ant. I despise having these pity parties, it doesn't accomplish really anything productive, but it sure as hell releases all of this negativity I'm feeling.
